Going through divorce is like no other traumatizing life-crisis you may have ever experienced. You don’t know what might be coming next or what you will be faced with going forward. I don’t believe that any of us (even if there were some red flags) got married thinking that one day we’d be planning our divorce.
It’s A Two Part Crisis
It’s not only that we don’t know what we don’t know, but the crisis we’re feeling is both internal and external. Your mind, body and heart may be filled with pain and stress and externally, your partner, family, friends, living arrangements, work, etc. may be falling apart as well. Stress, fear and anxiety seem to be the constants during this time.
Don’t Look Back With Regrets
But as you begin to move through this and show up on the other side of this crisis, you may be looking back and saying “I wish I had known this before…”
These are the lessons and experiences I learned personally and through my divorce coaching clients.
I want you to know them now and not look back with regrets…
Retaining an attorney may not be your first best move.
People tend to give advice that you must go hire the biggest “shark” attorney in town before you do anything else. Because of all the complications and intricacies of divorce, gathering accurate information from professionals instead of listening to what your friends and family are saying is your first best move. All divorce situations are unique and you must consider what’s best for you and your family – not what someone else tells you about their divorce. That is why talking with a divorce coach about what your divorce options are and what will be your biggest challenges is so critical.
Begin to gather financial documents before you even decide whether or not to divorce.
I tell all of my clients who have not been handling the finances to get all the statements and documents they can so that regardless of whether they decide to move forward with divorce, they are now empowered to know exactly what the assets and debts are in the marriage. Remember, knowledge is power and having this will serve you whether you decide to stay or leave.
There will be many losses that you’ll experience and you will need to grieve those losses.
I never realized the depth of the losses I would experience including the loss of a life partner, friends, extended family, my home, my financial security to name a few. It’s so important to allow the grief process to move through you and give yourself the time and space you need for that. If you don’t, there will be so much unfinished business that will keep you stuck as you deal with the “business” of divorce.
New Life – New Rules.
When you have lived with someone for a long period of time, you forget that there are other ways to live. You may not even realize how stuck you’ve been in the old familiar patterns and ways of thinking. It can be hard to imagine a way of being that is completely different from the way you’ve lived for all these years. I wish I had known that now was actually my chance to live how I wanted to live, eat what I wanted to eat, be with people I chose to be with. It’s a new life with new rules that you get to create now.
What’s around the corner for you may be better than you can imagine right now.
I had no idea that my life would take the twists and turns that it has. I was very stuck in the anger and resentment from my divorce. It took me so long to embrace the fact that this is an opportunity to embrace my fears and move through them. We all will live to see the other side of divorce. The happiness and new freedom will unfold for you and bring you a sense of peace and joy you may not be able to imagine just yet – but do try to imagine and create the life you want!
You don’t need to do this alone. Even though many people will divorce, it is still a very isolating and traumatizing time in our lives. Please reach out for a complimentary call and let’s talk about the most important concerns you have and how to manage them in a way that will help you feel confident and secure moving forward.