Divorce, even under the best of circumstances, is stressful and complicated, but when there are children involved, the effects are even greater.
Just as no one “plans” on divorcing, no one “plans” on parenting in two different homes.
The adjustments are huge, and children often wonder if the divorce is “their” fault. A child’s psychological state and needs are increased as they live in the middle of an emotional roller coaster filled with fear, confusion, and even guilt.
Here are some of the most important issues that can help parents through this tumultuous time:
Put on your oxygen mask first.
Remember that children pick up on your body language and conversations. They can sense signs of weakness and sadness, and therefore it is essential always to remain strong and positive. Make it a priority to seek therapy if you must and to take care of yourself mentally and emotionally. You must be strong not only for yourself but for your children.
Children need to feel safe.
Every divorce will result in changes in routines, and your child may feel unsafe or feel as if they do not belong. It is essential to try to work out a solid daily routine, boundaries, and structure. Your children need to know that their world is safe. Consistency can help.
As mentioned, children often believe that the divorce is their fault.
Your child does not need to know the intimate details of your divorce. Your child also does not need to listen to fighting or arguing after the divorce has taken place. As two adult parents, it is your responsibility to protect your children from any emotional or verbal turmoil. This includes any unhealthy feelings between you and your ex-spouse, custody battle, financial issues, or any other negative aspect of your marriage that can affect your child in an unhealthy manner. It is not essential for your child to know why you chose to become divorced, but it is incredibly important that your child understand that they did nothing to cause the divorce, and there is nothing they can do to mend your marriage. Your child is not a pawn. Unfortunately, however, your child will soak up any negative feelings or actions that the divorce has caused. Often, children blame themselves and try to personalize these situations. You can tell them that divorce was a decision made by and between the adults, and no matter what happens between you and your ex-spouse, you will always love your child no matter what. Your child is not at fault but should always be protected. And be your priority.
Children are not typically used to a lot of changes and with divorce comes a world of changes.
Keep in mind that you should avoid burdening them with situations they cannot control. They should not bear the responsibility as it will cause them to feel helpless and insecure. Remember that it is your responsibility to deal with stressors such as custody and financial issues. These are adult issues that children should not be responsible for.
Allow your kids to be kids.
Their job is to be well-behaved, to learn, and to have fun. They need to play and have downtime when they transition from one home to the other home.
When things are not going well or you are worried about the well-being of your child/children, reach out for help from a Certified Co-Parenting Specialist or a therapist. Trying to do all of this alone can overwhelm you and create more anxiety and stress in both you and your children. Remember, no one teaches us how to parent in two homes. Maybe it’s time to talk to the professionals who can help you with tools and strategies as you navigate these challenging times.